Boo Posted February 20, 2015 Share Posted February 20, 2015 Post removed, keep the derogatory stereotyping off the ladies forum. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rotary Posted February 20, 2015 Share Posted February 20, 2015 Sit down and make a list of PROS and CONS. I think you will be able to answer your own question on what you should do. Think with your head on this one, not your heart. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
loong Posted February 20, 2015 Share Posted February 20, 2015 From your post, it seems like you are going out every day and work hard and then coming home to do the cleaning and possibly tidying up after him. This even when he has had no work that day and spent his time sleeping, watching TV and playing video games. If that is the case, it is no wonder that resentment is building. Especially when he asks you for money. Maybe, as the main breadwinner, you need to put your foot down and lay down some rules. Otherwise, things will only get worse and you will end up despising him. Think about when you have 2 kids, but have 3 children to look after. You will be exhausted working and trying to look after your family. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
smotherb Posted February 20, 2015 Share Posted February 20, 2015 Thai men will accept money from anyone and not feel "emasculated". KarenBravo, you are as guilty of painting with a wide brush as any man who makes a similar statement about Thai women. There are good and bad people everywhere--perhaps that should be worthwhile and not worthwhile people everywhere. The problem, of course, is being able to objectively decide. My advice to the OP would be similar to the advice I would give a man in love with a girl of lesser means; send your lover to school, help him get a trade or profession which pays well, doing so will give him that sense of pride and encouragement one needs. If he refuses to put forth the effort, or simply cannot do it; then you have more fodder upon which to decide your future together. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Derek M Posted February 20, 2015 Share Posted February 20, 2015 Congratulations on finally meeting a man you truly love, admire and desire to be with. How he is now being active around the house and not lazy, helping out etc asking for nothing, well plenty of a man on this forum will and can confirm that that can change as soon as you are in a committed relationship like engagement or marriage to a Thai person (I am talking woman here) and you can have a complete 100% change to being the complete opposite and start asking for you to support the whole family, parents siblings and if they can/where possible to try aunts/uncles, cousins and other branches of the family tree if not the whole tree itself! (Reference..my own experience with a Thai girl). Move the relationship on a level see what happens, then perhaps fake a pregnancy (tell him later you lost baby, miscarriage). AN ugly thing to do but if you do that you can sit down with him tell him he may have to work a lot and with a sideline too while you are at latter stages of your pregnancy and breast feeding say a year or so and no missing days or not working. If his reaction is not good move on. If he speak from the heart..good if he is speaking from his mind not so good. Judge by his energy and his actions not his words, then decide. A Thai man marrying a western women get a great deal, no sin sot (guys reading this do not comment on sin sot, NOT the topic of the OP's post) and he won't have to hand over 100% of his salary to a Thai wife only to receive a stipend to last all month, in fact you could wind him up to see his reaction when you say once married he will have to work and hand over the salary to you, just to keep in with his culture and traditions! Uptheos brought up a great question "Ask yourself how would you feel if you had to prove to the government that you have 400,000 baht in the bank every year as well?" Amount non-married parents of Thai children have to show to get year long extension of stay or 40,000 Bahts month minimum under current regulations. Only applicable until child is 20 years of age. Married you dont have to show money every year, just one time (source immigration officer). I guess some on here are saying have you ass covered visa wise for all eventualities if you have kids. If you are working legally with correct working visa should be no problem. Thinking ahead, planning ahead do you intend on living in Thailand forever? Having Children can change that. I know as I am planning our departure as I know my daughter will get a better education elsewhere. Also your entitlement to a retirement pension from your own country when the time comes? Also you have to plan for hidden costs such as school, medical treatment, innoculations every month from 13 months old to 2.5 years old, nothing is free here! You will even have to pay for your medical attention, at a much higher rate than a local. Giving birth, Thai woman can pay as much as 10,000 Bahts to 25,0000 and up depending on location. Thai people and financial irresponsibility go hand in hand, believe it or not its is part of their culture and I am afraid we have to accept that, wither we are male or female and with partners young or old! If you have a little bit of money today spend it, enjoy it! you might be dead tomorrow and you can't spend or enjoy it when you are dead! It is just the way they are and we have to accept they will never understand our way of financial management and saving money. Afraid you did say how long you have been in Thailand or how well you understand the culture. (I know time is unrelated but can be a good indicator) A very interesting topic, and good luck in making the decision that is best for you. Derek. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PattayaPhom Posted February 20, 2015 Share Posted February 20, 2015 Sad to say disaster looms....its great being in love n all that but in reality he cant even get through the month without asking you for money now...how on Earth will you manage when you are pregnant and then with a baby to feed. Seriously, don't do it.....Take your time, can he retrain for a different profession, it should be easy if he is self employed so can work around college/training without interfering with his day job. I know lots of guys that are great like him, quick to fix a bike etc but a 10 hour shift 6 days a week is a totally different commitment. Wish you luck in whatever you do. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rykbanlor Posted February 20, 2015 Share Posted February 20, 2015 Thai men will accept money from anyone and not feel "emasculated". KarenBravo, you are as guilty of painting with a wide brush as any man who makes a similar statement about Thai women. There are good and bad people everywhere--perhaps that should be worthwhile and not worthwhile people everywhere. The problem, of course, is being able to objectively decide. My advice to the OP would be similar to the advice I would give a man in love with a girl of lesser means; send your lover to school, help him get a trade or profession which pays well, doing so will give him that sense of pride and encouragement one needs. If he refuses to put forth the effort, or simply cannot do it; then you have more fodder upon which to decide your future together. Smother's advice is spot on. If someone is willing to make the effort then I believe there's a strong chance. If someone is not willing to take up an offer like that they are probably not worth the time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pmarlowe Posted February 20, 2015 Share Posted February 20, 2015 I am a romantic and believe in love. If this is true love with a Thai, there are no tips -- only realities. If you love the man and you think it's forever, that's great. I hope it works. However, the difference in culture and earning power (I hesitate to call it "class") will guarantee you these things in terms of finance and I speak from experience: 1. Financially this kind of relationship with a Thai is like stepping into quicksand. The financial drain will only take you deeper and deeper. This is just a fact and not a criticism as financially poorer Thais have difficulty relating to farang wealth. A 200 baht i.o.u to a fellow Thai is much more meaningful than all the money you give your man right now. If you have the money, be prepared to spend it. 2. The monthly allowance is fine. It will not emasculate him but it will never end. I just suggest that you cap it and keep to the number and plan to pay it forever. 3. There will still be dribs and drabs because he will spend his allowance and will still need something more. A new phone, laptop, ipad, shirt, trousers, whatever. Or you'll want a nice dinner or a night out and you will pay. Ok so you do this out of love. 4. You will build the house or buy the condo or otherwise pay the rent. 5. You will buy the car or truck and pay the insurance (put it in his name so you are not liable for anything bad that happens ont he road). 6. If he has mom and dad support, you will be helping out.It goes with the territory. ...and so it goes... All of these things will come to pass and you must do them out of love or you will become very very resentful and feel like you have been taken -- even by this nice guy. And if it doesn't work out, the cash is gone forever. You are making an investment that might not pay off. This is by no means meant to discourage you . It's only money. All the money in the world can't buy true love. But please go in with your eyes open as money is often the root of bigger relationship problems. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kwaussie Posted February 20, 2015 Share Posted February 20, 2015 I think you know deep down could be problems long time, Thai men seem very unreliable long term, Partner's sister took off to Australia with Aussie and her ex wanted nothing to do with his 3 beautiful children as he had new girlfriend and he wanted more children to her so they were palmed off to grandparents. How did he survive before you came along, real men are hunters and gathers and shouldnt need your money to fritter away. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NoshowJones Posted February 20, 2015 Share Posted February 20, 2015 This must be one of the biggest troll posts ever on Thaivisa. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nithisa78 Posted February 20, 2015 Share Posted February 20, 2015 Difficult to really say from so little information. You said things here, you are not comfortable with. What will make that change? Spice in life is great. Make up your mind if this spice will remain nice and go with that. This is tough because nobody posting here can do it for you. From what you said, I know what I would do. Thing is you aren't me. This is only a Thai thing because it is happening in Thailand. It is little odd to hear a woman come forward and speak of it. unique I'm from the love conquers all school. Thing with that school, while it is conquering all, we are part of all. Good luck. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chudless Posted February 20, 2015 Share Posted February 20, 2015 Run Forest(ess), Run! 35 years of relationships, so you're in your 50s? Thinking of having kids with him? You need to get out while you're ahead, seriously! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
georgemandm Posted February 20, 2015 Share Posted February 20, 2015 He sounds quite lazy to me! Thailand has the lowest unemployment rate in the world so it should be pretty easy to find a job that pays at least 10 to 15 thousand a month. What's gonna happen if you have kids with this man? You will need time off to look after them. Or you let his family have your child to look after while you work??? Thai men are seen as a failure if they can't provide for their families. Sorry for being harsh but I have a family here and its not cheap...food, school fees..etc... How dose thailand have the lowest unemployment rate in the world are you joking me thailand dose not pay people who are unemployed so how would thailand no it has the lowest unemployment rate in the world bull shit it would have the highest just get around thai villagers and see how many thai man site around all day drinking. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SOTIRIOS Posted February 20, 2015 Share Posted February 20, 2015 ...it's easy to nod...smile...say 'yes'...to anything you say..... ..for obvious reasons..... ..and you haven't a clue what he does when you go off to work..... ...so does it sound reasonable to sign your life away....or half of it at least....on a 'maybe'.... ...as fot the math....as someone mentioned....it seems like you have practically no time at all to decide..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sharp Posted February 20, 2015 Share Posted February 20, 2015 The resentment of the situation and his unwillingness to help you two get a better life will destroy your relationship so leave now. Sorry but it's far to familiar to a story I have seen not so long along with a friend of mine. Good luck. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stjohnm Posted February 20, 2015 Share Posted February 20, 2015 Most Thais can't plan beyond next Thursday so it doesn't surprise me that he can't save & plan long term. As with most Asians they hold paper qualifications over life experience as well. 5 years ago my wife stayed at home most of the day thinking about getting a job doing nails in a beauty saloon. I pointed out that she could speak at least 5 languages fluently, she grumbled about the fact that she didn't even finish high school let alone having a degree. I have a friend who worked at the British Embassy who needed help from someone who could speak Karin on a trip to the borderlands near Mae Sot. Long story short, we live back in the UK now & she a licenced interpreter works half the hours I do for twice the pay. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kinmaew Posted February 20, 2015 Share Posted February 20, 2015 What a refreshing story but the other way around. I was sick to death giving my TGF money and her endless always financial problems. You are educated have a good job, he does not and seems to be lazy. Sorry but this does not sound like a good match at all unless you want to be an eternal ATM machine to not just him but later on his family just like many foreign men are (and seem to be happy doing so) in LOS. Thais are taught to live hand to mouth and forced to accept this while their elite steal billions from under their noses. All of your virtues of saving money and planning are totally alien concepts to him.Good luck. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elgordo38 Posted February 20, 2015 Share Posted February 20, 2015 Not trolling here (I'm in 'Ladies' as the topic popped up on the frontpage) and you probably don't want to hear this, but probably best to knock it on the head now. Don't think either of you will ever be truly happy as you're too mismatched and that resentment that is building will only continue to do so, especially when there are commitments. That would include him as, being a Thai guy with the face and everything here, he'll likely end up feeling a bit worthless even though they're partial to reaping money from wherever. Also, being that far apart educationally is always going to be a sticking point. My advice, heed that intuition that is gnawing away at you right now! At least have a big break away if you can; at least three months. I agree take a 3 month break and individually assess the situation and then sit down and iron out who is responsible for what. Be firm. He could be the family care giver, cook, cleaner and possibly run a small repair business on the side. Define his role. Do not sink a pile of money into furniture a house (in his name you cannot own property.) Rent a nice place with possibly a workshop and see how things progress. Stay on the pill etc. till you see things falling into place. Work in 3 month stages and see how things progress. I do not want to tar all Thai men with the same brush but I have seen to many cut and runs after children come along. A lot of them have a roving eye. I am 76 and let me tell you life is a long rocky road you need a good travelling companion for the tough stretches and they come to everyone. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
balo Posted February 20, 2015 Share Posted February 20, 2015 Thank you to everybody for the thoughtful feedback. I appreciate not being attacked. Excuse the lists but it's easier for me to collect my thoughts - I would like to add: 1. We are intellectually matched - has nothing to do with education - different lifestyles yes. And honestly - I envy his life style and care-free - the universe will take care of me type of attitude. I even admire it. 2. After 35 years of relationships - I believe every man (person) has his faults and you have to decide which you are prepared to deal with. For example he is not a ladies man, fooling around, out drinking all night etc. which I would find intolerable. His 'fault' is one of financial naivety. Something I don't find offensive just challenging. 3. I don't subscribe to the traditional idea that a man should support a woman - sometimes the roles are swapped. I am prepared to support my children with or without a man - yes it will be difficult, maybe awfully difficult, but not impossible. 4. He definitely does feel emasculated. He wouldn't let me buy him a birthday present saying I spend too much money on him. I feel that with an open conversation about my expectations he will absolutely come to the party. I just need to decide what to ask for. I'm really looking for ideas on how he can pull his weight in ways that aren't financial. Sorry if this is getting boring... Anyone else got something to say? Male perspectives are welcome too. You want to have kids with this man and been in relationships more than 35 years ? May I ask how old you are? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
2fishin2 Posted February 20, 2015 Share Posted February 20, 2015 You are already not happy! Do you think marriage or a continuation of a relationship with this guy will solve your issues? Heck no they will compound the problems. Wake up! And as far as intellectually matched you are very wrong and oh so far from that. If you were matched this wouldnt be happening and you wouldnt be writing here. 1. Why do people come here for advice like this? 2. This has got to be a troll post. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Derek M Posted February 20, 2015 Share Posted February 20, 2015 He sounds quite lazy to me! Thailand has the lowest unemployment rate in the world so it should be pretty easy to find a job that pays at least 10 to 15 thousand a month. What's gonna happen if you have kids with this man? You will need time off to look after them. Or you let his family have your child to look after while you work??? Thai men are seen as a failure if they can't provide for their families. Sorry for being harsh but I have a family here and its not cheap...food, school fees..etc... How dose thailand have the lowest unemployment rate in the world are you joking me thailand dose not pay people who are unemployed so how would thailand no it has the lowest unemployment rate in the world bull shit it would have the highest just get around thai villagers and see how many thai man site around all day drinking. And women, George. Most of teh Thai women in villages don't work either with the exception of house work - even at that if they have a daughter or grand daughter they will be the ones doing the house work while mummy and/or granny does nothing whichever the case may be. Only ones that work in Thai villages are the shop keepers, food sellers and recycle bottle/cardboard/rubbish collectors and septic tank drainers (did I miss one someone out?). There will only be the odd one here and there that travels to nearby town for real job. I would love to see claffey find a job off the beaten track in an Isaan Village far far far away from the provincial capital that pays 10,000 to 15,000 THB per month. Most are lucky and happy if they can get 6,000 THB per month and a day off! Even in bigger cities (outside Bangkok) major employers such as 7 eleven only pay 7,600 THB for a 9hour shift 6 days week! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shirtless Posted February 20, 2015 Share Posted February 20, 2015 You say he is very mechanically able help him get some real qualifications so he can contribute this will also test him on what his real intentions are. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shaurene Posted February 20, 2015 Share Posted February 20, 2015 You do have a big problem. He is now used to you giving him money and will be hard to get away from that, he will expect it all the time. Am afrade it is a big miss match, sorry to say. It is in their culture same in all the Thai family's, the man expects the women to be the provider. I personally cannot see it working, but best of luck. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Browncow3 Posted February 20, 2015 Author Share Posted February 20, 2015 Hi everyone, I'm reading replies with such interest and appreciation. The scale is weighing heavily on the negative side in terms of people's feedback. I know I'm potentially setting myself up here for a very hard future and a broken heart. But my gut tells me this is about negotiation. And if I fall into the trap of looking at stereotypes and fearing what's POSSIBLE, I will never commit to anyone. But yes... I'm mulling over this one carefully. To be clear (my bad for saying it so flippantly) I am 35 years old. And I do want children so yes the clock is ticking. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Andre0720 Posted February 20, 2015 Share Posted February 20, 2015 Advice given from a Thai mother to her young daughters in Phuket: Thai men, good for make love, no good for take care. Advice i give my son back home: Find a girl who has at least the same level of fortune as yourself... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dogmatix Posted February 20, 2015 Share Posted February 20, 2015 I have supported my Thai wife and her immediate family for 12 years. She has a university education but has not worked for more than a couple of years in total in that time. I would have liked her to develop her own career she and she tried at first but got horrible jobs with nasty Thai-Chinese small business owners. She salaries she could earn were a pittance anyway and I didn't force her to stay when I found out how badly she was being treated in each job. She was doing two jobs to support her family, as the oldest child with an absent father, when I met her and would have had to stick it out with the miserable low paid jobs, if she didn't have me. I am not complaining. We have no children but she does a good job keeping the house and our dogs and helps me out a lot whenever I need to deal with Thai officialdom. I never expected much financial contribution from my wife. We own our own house outright I and and can afford retirement and healthcare for both of us. I think it boils down to economics. Can you afford to support a partner who cannot contribute financially to the family, or not? If you plan on having children, you need to budget for the cost of their education, healthcare, food, clothing, hobbies, travel etc. You also need to plan for your own and your husband's retirement and healthcare in old age. You can rely on the bare minimum education and healthcare provided by the Thai state, if you want. But do you want your kids to have the same educational and healthcare opportunities as you had or do you want to learn about the 12 core values of Thainess in a lousy government school and queue up for hours a government hospital. For yourself you have to ensure you obtain Thai citizenship in order to get even the basic universal healthcare when you retire. Alternatively, you will have the option of moving back to your home country with your children but your husband probably won't fit in there, assuming you could get him a visa. I would suggest sitting down to do some realistic long range financial planning on the assumption that you are going to have a couple of kids and are going to be the sole bread winner. If the numbers don't balance, move on and get yourself into a more economically viable situation while you are still young enough. As they say, Marry in haste and regret at leisure. Your partner is not marketable to Thai women (or their mothers) at all, since he can't support a family or offer a decent sin sot, but you have many options. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OmarZaidMD Posted February 20, 2015 Share Posted February 20, 2015 Thank you to everybody for the thoughtful feedback. I appreciate not being attacked. Excuse the lists but it's easier for me to collect my thoughts - I would like to add: 1. We are intellectually matched - has nothing to do with education - different lifestyles yes. And honestly - I envy his life style and care-free - the universe will take care of me type of attitude. I even admire it. 2. After 35 years of relationships - I believe every man (person) has his faults and you have to decide which you are prepared to deal with. For example he is not a ladies man, fooling around, out drinking all night etc. which I would find intolerable. His 'fault' is one of financial naivety. Something I don't find offensive just challenging. 3. I don't subscribe to the traditional idea that a man should support a woman - sometimes the roles are swapped. I am prepared to support my children with or without a man - yes it will be difficult, maybe awfully difficult, but not impossible. 4. He definitely does feel emasculated. He wouldn't let me buy him a birthday present saying I spend too much money on him. I feel that with an open conversation about my expectations he will absolutely come to the party. I just need to decide what to ask for. I'm really looking for ideas on how he can pull his weight in ways that aren't financial. Sorry if this is getting boring... Anyone else got something to say? Male perspectives are welcome too. Hi, A bit of a dilemma and you are wise to consider and ask for advice. First off - drop the word 'emasculate' from the discourse. All he's doing when he refuse a 'birthday gift' is to preserve his dignity, which has very little to do with machismo. Secondly, resentment is 'your problem', not his; but it is contagious. I suggest you take another look at the eightfold path and deal with it if you wish to move into higher realms of human consciousness as well as maturity and magnanimity. Bottom line equates with reverential love (respect), tolerance and affection -- i.e., If you've got the eros balanced. If you don't have the former four attributions in balance, you cannot maintain the eros because respect and affection will autonomously lapse, especially if you cannot deal with resentment over something called "money" . . . so deal with the realities of the circumstances of your 'give and take' love and throw away Western mores', then choose ... Worst thing can happen to a woman is to wind up lonely in old age knowing she let her true love slip away and have no kids to take care of her to boot ... so think about it and do some contemplation. I've a book here can help the contemplation side: http://zaidpub.files.wordpress.com/2012/07/the-taqua-of-marriage.pdf Good Luck Gal Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fieke Posted February 20, 2015 Share Posted February 20, 2015 Hi, I know the story. I am a farang women and stayed with a Thai man. Always money money even when he was working. Most of his money went to family etc Get out while you can. Thais not love us !!!!!!! I found out after 1 year but still stayed with him with a lot of heartbreaking for me. Never a thai again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Afook Posted February 20, 2015 Share Posted February 20, 2015 Ask yourself this question??? If you have such thoughts now....what happens when you get married and have kids? Who's going to provide for all of this, you??? Your life and decisions for true happiness.......maybe he'll be a good father in the home, and able to take care of the kids, while you go out everyday and bring in the bacon? If not, then what? You end up with your kids and he'll be gone....... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vogele123 Posted February 20, 2015 Share Posted February 20, 2015 Unfortunately, you didn't say if you were male or female. It is a bit confusing with all of this gay marriage and the like going around, and the right for LBGT and others in their bid for rights to have children. If you could fill in the details, it might be clearer, and just as a passing note, I am not in a good mood after spending the entire day at the Land Transport Office and failing my E-Test for a driving license because I thought it might be a bit illegal to drive a tank on public roads or drive a racing car without permission on a public road, stupidity and ridiculousness abound here in La La Land, so in order to answer your question we need all the nitty gritty! - Besides his problems with money, does he know that you are not allowed to drive a vehicle on public roads without a windscreen? or that it is legal to drive with a 2.5m overhang from the vehicle but not a 2.5m front overhang? You need to check this guy out a lot deeper, money may not be your only problem, imagine if he was to make a U-turn at an intersection? Your marriage could be in tatters! (But it is perfectly OK to U-turn in front of a hospital, police station, 150 metres from a bridge but not on a bridge! (nor to overtake on said bridge) Sarcasm aside, if you love the guy and he is good to you and you get on.....why not give it a go? Life is not a rehearsal, you are not going to get a second chance, if it feels OK then why not give it a go. There are plenty failed marriages in the West that seemed perfect. Vote with your heart, life is too short! and I wish you all the best and hope it works out for you both. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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