Jump to content
BANGKOK 26 April 2019 18:42
Browncow3

Long term relationship with broke Thai man

Recommended Posts

What a refreshing story but the other way around. I was sick to death giving my TGF money and her endless always financial problems. You are educated have a good job, he does not and seems to be lazy. Sorry but this does not sound like a good match at all unless you want to be an eternal ATM machine to not just him but later on his family just like many foreign men are (and seem to be happy doing so) in LOS.

Thais are taught to live hand to mouth and forced to accept this while their elite steal billions from under their noses. All of your virtues of saving money and planning are totally alien concepts to him.Good luck.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Not trolling here (I'm in 'Ladies' as the topic popped up on the frontpage) and you probably don't want to hear this, but probably best to knock it on the head now. Don't think either of you will ever be truly happy as you're too mismatched and that resentment that is building will only continue to do so, especially when there are commitments. That would include him as, being a Thai guy with the face and everything here, he'll likely end up feeling a bit worthless even though they're partial to reaping money from wherever. Also, being that far apart educationally is always going to be a sticking point. My advice, heed that intuition that is gnawing away at you right now! At least have a big break away if you can; at least three months.

I agree take a 3 month break and individually assess the situation and then sit down and iron out who is responsible for what. Be firm. He could be the family care giver, cook, cleaner and possibly run a small repair business on the side. Define his role. Do not sink a pile of money into furniture a house (in his name you cannot own property.) Rent a nice place with possibly a workshop and see how things progress. Stay on the pill etc. till you see things falling into place. Work in 3 month stages and see how things progress. I do not want to tar all Thai men with the same brush but I have seen to many cut and runs after children come along. A lot of them have a roving eye. I am 76 and let me tell you life is a long rocky road you need a good travelling companion for the tough stretches and they come to everyone.

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Thank you to everybody for the thoughtful feedback. I appreciate not being attacked. Excuse the lists but it's easier for me to collect my thoughts - I would like to add:

1. We are intellectually matched - has nothing to do with education - different lifestyles yes. And honestly - I envy his life style and care-free - the universe will take care of me type of attitude. I even admire it.

2. After 35 years of relationships - I believe every man (person) has his faults and you have to decide which you are prepared to deal with. For example he is not a ladies man, fooling around, out drinking all night etc. which I would find intolerable. His 'fault' is one of financial naivety. Something I don't find offensive just challenging.

3. I don't subscribe to the traditional idea that a man should support a woman - sometimes the roles are swapped. I am prepared to support my children with or without a man - yes it will be difficult, maybe awfully difficult, but not impossible.

4. He definitely does feel emasculated. He wouldn't let me buy him a birthday present saying I spend too much money on him.

I feel that with an open conversation about my expectations he will absolutely come to the party. I just need to decide what to ask for.

I'm really looking for ideas on how he can pull his weight in ways that aren't financial.

Sorry if this is getting boring...

Anyone else got something to say? Male perspectives are welcome too.

You want to have kids with this man and been in relationships more than 35 years ? May I ask how old you are?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

You are already not happy! Do you think marriage or a continuation of a relationship with this guy will solve your issues? Heck no they will compound the problems. Wake up! And as far as intellectually matched you are very wrong and oh so far from that. If you were matched this wouldnt be happening and you wouldnt be writing here.

1. Why do people come here for advice like this?

2. This has got to be a troll post.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

He sounds quite lazy to me! Thailand has the lowest unemployment rate in the world so it should be pretty easy to find a job that pays at least 10 to 15 thousand a month. What's gonna happen if you have kids with this man? You will need time off to look after them. Or you let his family have your child to look after while you work??? Thai men are seen as a failure if they can't provide for their families. Sorry for being harsh but I have a family here and its not cheap...food, school fees..etc...

How dose thailand have the lowest unemployment rate in the world are you joking me thailand dose not pay people who are unemployed so how would thailand no it has the lowest unemployment rate in the world bull shit it would have the highest just get around thai villagers and see how many thai man site around all day drinking.

And women, George. Most of teh Thai women in villages don't work either with the exception of house work - even at that if they have a daughter or grand daughter they will be the ones doing the house work while mummy and/or granny does nothing whichever the case may be. Only ones that work in Thai villages are the shop keepers, food sellers and recycle bottle/cardboard/rubbish collectors and septic tank drainers (did I miss one someone out?). There will only be the odd one here and there that travels to nearby town for real job. I would love to see claffey find a job off the beaten track in an Isaan Village far far far away from the provincial capital that pays 10,000 to 15,000 THB per month. Most are lucky and happy if they can get 6,000 THB per month and a day off! Even in bigger cities (outside Bangkok) major employers such as 7 eleven only pay 7,600 THB for a 9hour shift 6 days week!

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

You say he is very mechanically able help him get some real qualifications so he can contribute this will also test him on what his real intentions are.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

You do have a big problem. He is now used to you giving him money and will be hard to get away from that, he will expect it all the time. Am afrade it is a big miss match, sorry to say. It is in their culture same in all the Thai family's, the man expects the women to be the provider.

I personally cannot see it working, but best of luck.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi everyone, I'm reading replies with such interest and appreciation. The scale is weighing heavily on the negative side in terms of people's feedback. I know I'm potentially setting myself up here for a very hard future and a broken heart. But my gut tells me this is about negotiation. And if I fall into the trap of looking at stereotypes and fearing what's POSSIBLE, I will never commit to anyone. But yes... I'm mulling over this one carefully.

To be clear (my bad for saying it so flippantly) I am 35 years old. And I do want children so yes the clock is ticking.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Advice given from a Thai mother to her young daughters in Phuket:

Thai men, good for make love, no good for take care.

Advice i give my son back home:

Find a girl who has at least the same level of fortune as yourself...

Edited by Andre0720

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I have supported my Thai wife and her immediate family for 12 years. She has a university education but has not worked for more than a couple of years in total in that time. I would have liked her to develop her own career she and she tried at first but got horrible jobs with nasty Thai-Chinese small business owners. She salaries she could earn were a pittance anyway and I didn't force her to stay when I found out how badly she was being treated in each job. She was doing two jobs to support her family, as the oldest child with an absent father, when I met her and would have had to stick it out with the miserable low paid jobs, if she didn't have me. I am not complaining. We have no children but she does a good job keeping the house and our dogs and helps me out a lot whenever I need to deal with Thai officialdom.

I never expected much financial contribution from my wife. We own our own house outright I and and can afford retirement and healthcare for both of us. I think it boils down to economics. Can you afford to support a partner who cannot contribute financially to the family, or not? If you plan on having children, you need to budget for the cost of their education, healthcare, food, clothing, hobbies, travel etc. You also need to plan for your own and your husband's retirement and healthcare in old age. You can rely on the bare minimum education and healthcare provided by the Thai state, if you want. But do you want your kids to have the same educational and healthcare opportunities as you had or do you want to learn about the 12 core values of Thainess in a lousy government school and queue up for hours a government hospital. For yourself you have to ensure you obtain Thai citizenship in order to get even the basic universal healthcare when you retire.

Alternatively, you will have the option of moving back to your home country with your children but your husband probably won't fit in there, assuming you could get him a visa.

I would suggest sitting down to do some realistic long range financial planning on the assumption that you are going to have a couple of kids and are going to be the sole bread winner. If the numbers don't balance, move on and get yourself into a more economically viable situation while you are still young enough. As they say, Marry in haste and regret at leisure. Your partner is not marketable to Thai women (or their mothers) at all, since he can't support a family or offer a decent sin sot, but you have many options.

Edited by Dogmatix
  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Thank you to everybody for the thoughtful feedback. I appreciate not being attacked. Excuse the lists but it's easier for me to collect my thoughts - I would like to add:

1. We are intellectually matched - has nothing to do with education - different lifestyles yes. And honestly - I envy his life style and care-free - the universe will take care of me type of attitude. I even admire it.

2. After 35 years of relationships - I believe every man (person) has his faults and you have to decide which you are prepared to deal with. For example he is not a ladies man, fooling around, out drinking all night etc. which I would find intolerable. His 'fault' is one of financial naivety. Something I don't find offensive just challenging.

3. I don't subscribe to the traditional idea that a man should support a woman - sometimes the roles are swapped. I am prepared to support my children with or without a man - yes it will be difficult, maybe awfully difficult, but not impossible.

4. He definitely does feel emasculated. He wouldn't let me buy him a birthday present saying I spend too much money on him.

I feel that with an open conversation about my expectations he will absolutely come to the party. I just need to decide what to ask for.

I'm really looking for ideas on how he can pull his weight in ways that aren't financial.

Sorry if this is getting boring...

Anyone else got something to say? Male perspectives are welcome too.

Hi,

A bit of a dilemma and you are wise to consider and ask for advice. First off - drop the word 'emasculate' from the discourse. All he's doing when he refuse a 'birthday gift' is to preserve his dignity, which has very little to do with machismo. Secondly, resentment is 'your problem', not his; but it is contagious. I suggest you take another look at the eightfold path and deal with it if you wish to move into higher realms of human consciousness as well as maturity and magnanimity.

Bottom line equates with reverential love (respect), tolerance and affection -- i.e., If you've got the eros balanced. If you don't have the former four attributions in balance, you cannot maintain the eros because respect and affection will autonomously lapse, especially if you cannot deal with resentment over something called "money" . . . so deal with the realities of the circumstances of your 'give and take' love and throw away Western mores', then choose ...

Worst thing can happen to a woman is to wind up lonely in old age knowing she let her true love slip away and have no kids to take care of her to boot ... so think about it and do some contemplation.

I've a book here can help the contemplation side: http://zaidpub.files.wordpress.com/2012/07/the-taqua-of-marriage.pdf

Good Luck Gal

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi, I know the story. I am a farang women and stayed with a Thai man.

Always money money even when he was working. Most of his money went to family etc

Get out while you can.

Thais not love us !!!!!!! I found out after 1 year but still stayed with him with a lot of heartbreaking for me.

Never a thai again.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Ask yourself this question??? If you have such thoughts now....what happens when you get married and have kids? Who's going to provide for all of this, you??? Your life and decisions for true happiness.......maybe he'll be a good father in the home, and able to take care of the kids, while you go out everyday and bring in the bacon? If not, then what? You end up with your kids and he'll be gone.......

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Unfortunately, you didn't say if you were male or female. It is a bit confusing with all of this gay marriage and the like going around, and the right for LBGT and others in their bid for rights to have children.

If you could fill in the details, it might be clearer, and just as a passing note, I am not in a good mood after spending the entire day at the Land Transport Office and failing my E-Test for a driving license because I thought it might be a bit illegal to drive a tank on public roads or drive a racing car without permission on a public road, stupidity and ridiculousness abound here in La La Land, so in order to answer your question we need all the nitty gritty! - Besides his problems with money, does he know that you are not allowed to drive a vehicle on public roads without a windscreen? or that it is legal to drive with a 2.5m overhang from the vehicle but not a 2.5m front overhang?

You need to check this guy out a lot deeper, money may not be your only problem, imagine if he was to make a U-turn at an intersection? Your marriage could be in tatters! (But it is perfectly OK to U-turn in front of a hospital, police station, 150 metres from a bridge but not on a bridge! (nor to overtake on said bridge)

Sarcasm aside, if you love the guy and he is good to you and you get on.....why not give it a go? Life is not a rehearsal, you are not going to get a second chance, if it feels OK then why not give it a go. There are plenty failed marriages in the West that seemed perfect.

Vote with your heart, life is too short! and I wish you all the best and hope it works out for you both.

Edited by Vogele123
  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now

  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    No registered users viewing this page.

×
×
  • Create New...