Darknight Posted October 26, 2006 Share Posted October 26, 2006 To the citizens of the United States of America: In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II, will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories (excepting Kansas, which she does not fancy). Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect: 1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium," and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour', 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise". You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra'; you may elect to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you find you simply can't cope with correct pronunciation. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels (look up "vocabulary"). Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. 2. There is no such thing as "US English." We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize." 3. You will relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out Task #1 (see above). 4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but to be celebrated only in England.It will be called "Come-Uppance Day." 5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun. 6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public. 7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric immediately and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour. 8. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling "gasoline") -roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it. 9. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with mayonnaise but with vinegar. 10. Waiters and waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers. 11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer," and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager." American brands will be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine," so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion. 12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in "Four Weddings and a Funeral" was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater. 13. You will cease playing American "football." There is only one kind of proper football; you call it "soccer." Those of you brave enough will, in time, will be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the "World Series" for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. 14. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad. 15. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due backdated to 1776. Thank you for your co-operation. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sbk Posted October 26, 2006 Share Posted October 26, 2006 Quite an old one I believe, dates from the 2000 elections. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chuchok Posted October 26, 2006 Share Posted October 26, 2006 nice to see you back darknight. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jai Dee Posted October 26, 2006 Share Posted October 26, 2006 nice to see you back darknight. Seconded. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sbk Posted October 26, 2006 Share Posted October 26, 2006 glad to have you back, long time no see. Must explain the old joke then Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Soju Posted October 26, 2006 Share Posted October 26, 2006 At the same time, you will go metric immediately andwithout the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour. 8. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling "gasoline") -roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it. And some of us Americans with a memory of more than two seconds will kindly tell you to get lost until you can do likewise and not contradict yourself from one paragraph to the next. For those of you who are British but are still in the dark, "gallons" are not metric. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dr_Pat_Pong Posted October 26, 2006 Share Posted October 26, 2006 glad to have you back, long time no see. Must explain the old joke then [/quote Slowly Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Darknight Posted October 26, 2006 Author Share Posted October 26, 2006 nice to see you back darknight. Seconded. Thanks guy's Just had a time to jump in from my busy work at another forum @ doc explain slowly or write slowly doc ? Cheers DK Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sbk Posted October 26, 2006 Share Posted October 26, 2006 Perhaps I should have said, "that explains the old joke then". Just to be clear Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bkkmadness Posted October 26, 2006 Share Posted October 26, 2006 To be honest, that all sounds reasonable to me. US English! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crossy Posted October 26, 2006 Share Posted October 26, 2006 (edited) At the same time, you will go metric immediately and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour. 8. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling "gasoline") -roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it. And some of us Americans with a memory of more than two seconds will kindly tell you to get lost until you can do likewise and not contradict yourself from one paragraph to the next. For those of you who are British but are still in the dark, "gallons" are not metric. Please note. No8 has been left in American units (US Gallons) to aid our friends from across the Pond. Gallons (US or Imperial - which are not the same) are no longer used in the UK As a Brit I really don't understand why the US still uses 'English' measurements when England (UK) has been Metric for as long as I can remember. Semi-serious question Edited October 26, 2006 by Crossy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
suegha Posted October 26, 2006 Share Posted October 26, 2006 I just can't help but read it in a John Cleese voice! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
farangconnection Posted October 27, 2006 Share Posted October 27, 2006 At the same time, you will go metric immediately and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour. 8. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling "gasoline") -roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it. And some of us Americans with a memory of more than two seconds will kindly tell you to get lost until you can do likewise and not contradict yourself from one paragraph to the next. For those of you who are British but are still in the dark, "gallons" are not metric. What about : a metric gallon?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Patsycat Posted October 28, 2006 Share Posted October 28, 2006 I just can't help but read it in a John Cleese voice! DITTO Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mr Jones Posted October 28, 2006 Share Posted October 28, 2006 Please note. No8 has been left in American units (US Gallons) to aid our friends from across the Pond. Gallons (US or Imperial - which are not the same) are no longer used in the UK Milk and Beer are Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nongwahyay Posted October 28, 2006 Share Posted October 28, 2006 ..............why do nitpickers always try to pull absolutely everything to pieces?????? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crossy Posted October 28, 2006 Share Posted October 28, 2006 Milk and Beer are I don't buy milk in gallons (maybe beer ), but you are of course correct (although supermarket packages tend to be metric), we still use miles too (but distances to hazards are in metres). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
endure Posted October 28, 2006 Share Posted October 28, 2006 ..............why do nitpickers always try to pull absolutely everything to pieces?????? Because that's what they do. That's why they're called 'nitpickers'. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
udon Posted October 28, 2006 Share Posted October 28, 2006 G'day Darkie, good to see you again. Never seen that list before, I nearly sprayed the monitor with Nescafe. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mr Jones Posted October 28, 2006 Share Posted October 28, 2006 At a recent NPA My Name is Mr Jones. and I'm a nitpicker. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
udon Posted October 28, 2006 Share Posted October 28, 2006 I'm not surprised, coming from Liverpool. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
farangconnection Posted October 29, 2006 Share Posted October 29, 2006 ..............why do nitpickers always try to pull absolutely everything to pieces?????? No we don't....................................and it's knit-pickers Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dr_Pat_Pong Posted October 29, 2006 Share Posted October 29, 2006 ..............why do nitpickers always try to pull absolutely everything to pieces?????? No we don't....................................and it's knit-pickers Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nongwahyay Posted October 29, 2006 Share Posted October 29, 2006 ..............why do nitpickers always try to pull absolutely everything to pieces?????? No we don't....................................and it's knit-pickers ........nice try........but it´s still nit-pickers......or am I now nit-picking????? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crossy Posted October 29, 2006 Share Posted October 29, 2006 ..............why do nitpickers always try to pull absolutely everything to pieces?????? No we don't....................................and it's knit-pickers ........nice try........but it´s still nit-pickers......or am I now nit-picking????? Hmmm, I think it's 'nitpickers' They have a website here http://www.nitpickers.com.au/ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lannarebirth Posted October 29, 2006 Share Posted October 29, 2006 That John Cleese is a funny fellow. It's also funny how he somehow overlooked that those barely literate, Neanderthal Americans, managed to register 23 times more new patents last year than their British betters. Oh well. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Boatabike Posted October 29, 2006 Share Posted October 29, 2006 (edited) That John Cleese is a funny fellow. It's also funny how he somehow overlooked that those barely literate, Neanderthal Americans, managed to register 23 times more new patents last year than their British betters. Oh well. True but did you know that 22 of the 23 were designed / created within the U.S. by Europeans lured there by large sums of money! So the cash was U.S but the brains......! The other one was from Turkey. Edited October 29, 2006 by Boatabike Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
suegha Posted October 29, 2006 Share Posted October 29, 2006 That John Cleese is a funny fellow. It's also funny how he somehow overlooked that those barely literate, Neanderthal Americans, managed to register 23 times more new patents last year than their British betters. Oh well. True but did you know that 22 of the 23 were designed / created within the U.S. by Europeans lured there by large sums of money! So the cash was U.S but the brains......! The other one was from Turkey. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lannarebirth Posted October 30, 2006 Share Posted October 30, 2006 That John Cleese is a funny fellow. It's also funny how he somehow overlooked that those barely literate, Neanderthal Americans, managed to register 23 times more new patents last year than their British betters. Oh well. True but did you know that 22 of the 23 were designed / created within the U.S. by Europeans lured there by large sums of money! So the cash was U.S but the brains......! The other one was from Turkey. I didn't say 23, I said 23 times; as in 3, 500 vs 85,000. Hey, and why single Turkey out? It's Europe too, right? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robski Posted October 30, 2006 Share Posted October 30, 2006 Beer still tastes like near frozen gnats urine tho'. ha bloomin' ha. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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